Having a mental illness can be hard af. I mean, who wants to wake up in the middle of the night, heart racing and crying for no real reason? No one. We deal with our mind betraying us every few minutes and hate the spaceship we’re trapped in.
Ground Control to Major Tom. Be careful but not too careful.
The way we react to the environment around us has to be calculated, thought out. We are the crazies that people write movies about. We take extra care in how we present ourselves because folks can’t handle you melting over someone yelling at you, then laughing at yourself ten minutes later. We have to precise, trained to handle “the unknown”.
Now your anxiety is ALL THE WAY UP (Fat Joe voice) because you have been trying your best to be careful, putting your emotional mask on, but you can’t hold back anymore. You finally erupt on someone, usually the one who loves you the most.
I get this. I understand it completely. Anyone who has Borderline Personality Disorder does. But your eruption is NOT excusable. No one deserves to be treated poorly because of your health concerns. I hate joining a support group where people are complaining about how dumb their mother is for burning the toast and the members are telling them they “totally understand” and bashing others that tell the OP that they shouldn’t disrespect their mother. We should be able to hold each other accountable for our actions. We should be able to see the wrong even if it felt uncontrollable at the time. We CAN control ourselves, you may just need more practice.
This spaceship we’re trapped in has a whole bunch of buttons and controls. With BPD, maybe yours got some wires hanging out, some buttons missing labels, and filled with smoke from the engine. You are the captain. You are in control. You may have had terrible training and feel like you should jump tf out of the ship, don’t. It’s your ship, you built it and are continuing to fix it up the way you need it to be.
Keep working Captain. You got all the tools you need. If you don’t, send me a message and we can talk it through.
I’ve always felt different from everyone else. As a kid, I felt like the odd one out of my peers because my father was never in my life. Most of my cousins grew up with both parents and they had a whole other set of cousins to play with. Those guys made sure I knew I was only related to them because my other cousins. In school, I was different because I was poor, fat with a gap in my teeth. As an adult, I am different because of my mental illness and I’m still fat lol. Either way, I will always feel and be different.
Feeling out of place sucks! You are always worrying about everything! You always feel like people don’t listen, so you yell. You always feel like people don’t want to hear you so you don’t share your opinions. You end up changing everything just to feel in place!
What does that even feel like? Feels like home? Does it feel like you’re loved? Does it feel like you say and do the “right” things?
Feeling included as a child is extremely important but we are passed that now. Joining groups online, writing blogs, going to church or meditating helps but I have to accept that this wound takes more than that to completely heal. I must re-think my idea of what loneliness really is.
My capacity for loneliness is what keeps me alive. I need to be alone at times. Loneliness isn’t being rejected or unwanted. We are all alone in some aspects. If we weren’t then we wouldn’t be unique. At times I feel swallowed up by my loneliness but I have to remember what that really means.
On my journey of self, I am the only one able to go on this journey and I will go on it alone. My capacity for it has grown to accommodate as much loneliness as I need. ❤